4 April 2017 ♥ 33161Not so fast Morty 🏃🏻 you heard your mom 🙎🏼 we’ve got adventures 🔥 to go on Morty 😱😩👌 Just you 🤦🏻♂️🔫 and me 👨🔬🔫 and sometimes your sister 💁📱 and sometimes your mom 👩🏼⚕️🐎 but ‼️ NEVER ✋ your 😤 dad! 🤷🏻♂️❌😷 You wanna 🙈 know why Morty? 🙊💯 Because he CROSSED me 😡🙅♂️ Oh 😵 it gets darker Morty 😎🌚 Welcome 👽 to the 😭 darkest 😈 year of our 👨👦adventures 🙏😫 First 1️⃣ thing that’s 👩🎤 different ⁉️ No more dad Morty 🆒 He threatened 👀👎 to turn me in 🙋♂️👮 to the government 😓🙄 so I made him 🤤🐀 and the government 💩 go away 🖕 I repla😖ced them both 🌜🌛as the 😈 defacto 🤡 patriarch 👴🏻 of your family 👨👧👦and 😲 your universe 😱🌌🙌 Your mom 🐎 wouldn’t have 👋 accepted 🤝 me 🙄 if I came home 🏡 without you 👦🏻 and your sister 👱♀️ so now you know 🎓 the real 💯 reason 🌟 I rescued ⛑ you 👍 I JUST 💅🏼 TOOK OVER 🔝😵 THE FAMILY 👨👧👦 MORTY 🙍🏻♂️ And 👀 if you tell 🗣 your mom or sister 👩🏼⚕️💁 I said any of this 🙊 I’ll deny it 🙅♂️😤 And 😏 they’ll take my side 💕😌👫 because I’m a 🕺 hero 🏅🏆 Morty 😂🤣 And now 👊 you’re gonna have to do 🤹🏻♂️🐒 whatever I say 😝 Morty 😥 Forever 🕐🕔🕤🕙💀 And I’ll go out 🚶🏼 and find 🔭 some more 🙀 of that 👅 Mulan 🥋🎎 Szechuan 🐉🏮Teriyaki 😫💦 dipping sauce 🔥👌🙏 Morty 💦💦💦🙌 Because that’s 👉 what this 🎉 is all about Morty 🍗 That’s my 1️⃣ one ☝️ arm 🤳 man 🕺 I’m not ❌ driven 🚘 by avenging ✊🏻 my dead 💀 family 😭👨👩👧 Morty 💧 That 🤣 was 🙉 FAKE ✨ I’m 👨🔬 driven 💨 by finding 👀 that 😩 McNugget 🤘 🍟 Sauce 💦 I want 😱 that 😳 Mulan 🐉🥋 McNugget 🤡 Sauce 🍆💦Morty 😭 That’s 💪🏼 my series 🎬 arc 🌈 Morty 👑 If it takes ❤️ 9 ❤️ seasons ❤️ I WANT 😫 MY 👏 MCNUGGET 🍗🍟 DIPPING SAUCE 💦SZECHUAN 🔥 SAUCE MORTY 😡😵 IT’S 🤤 GONNA 🤸♀️TAKE 🚀 US 🙆🏻♂️👴🏻 ALL THE WAY 💫 TO 👉 THE 👉 END MORTY 🏁 9️⃣ MORE 💰 SEASONS 🤖 MORTY 💎 9️⃣ MORE SEASONS 🙌 UNTIL I GET 🎁 THAT 😍 DIPPING ‼️🔥 SZECHUAN 🎎 SAUCE 🍆💦😩 FOR 9️⃣7️⃣ MORE YEARS ⌛️🕰 MORTY 💀 I 👏 WANT 👏 THAT 👏 MCNUGGET 👏 SAUCE 👏 MORTY 👏
27 February 2017 ♥ 87929okay but if you’re ever in london and you have the chance to see a shakespeare play performed at the globe theatre itself DO IT even if you don’t think you’d dig shakespeare
if you need convincing here are a few highlights from when my family and i went to see the official globe theatre production of a midsummer night’s dream:
- they cast helena as a guy (helenus), first of all. they took a straight love square between two girls and two guys and made it a love square between a girl and three guys, only one of which was white. both sets of couples get happy endings and it’s fuckin adorable
- it was reimagined with an indian setting
- puck had a water pistol and kept shooting at the audience
- historical accuracy?? who cares everyone’s gonna dress like a modern hipster teenager
- bottom and his acting troupe sung bon jovi
- oh yeah also the acting troupe were reimagined as globe theatre employees with delusions of acting skills
- hermia and helenus sung single ladies by beyonce
- innuendos. innuendoes everywhere
- oberon walked onstage for the fight between oberon and titania drunk with a half-empty bottle of schweppes
- lysander spent a significant length of time in the play wandering around in just boxers and a leather jacket
- oberon made out with puck
- demetrius dabbed
its what shakespeare would have wanted
historically speaking, this is exactly how shakespear’s plays originally were
27 February 2017 ♥ 859680Why has this got so many notes what the fuck Tumblr
1) It’s title says something
2) The pictures provide what the title says
3) It ends with someone dramatically looking toward the cameracause its funny look how thin that watermelon is its just flapping in the wind thats absurd
27 February 2017 ♥ 165413Let’s play “how messy can a room get while your mental state declines rapidly in one week?”
3 January 2017 ♥ 161291FUCKING GOALS
GUYS, they actually really do have their own lipstick company and it really it’s successful af. They even have models to wear their products and the lipsticks are at a reasonable price. Stop buying “Kylie Cosmetics” in 2017 and start supporting more black owned businesses!!!
Support their business HERE
I saw this episode I was so angry because they addressed a very unique and important problem and they dismissed them and then called them cockroaches like???? I wanted to fight them I’m buying some now.
I know and that gross judge had the nerve to say their business wasn’t gonna happen while those other judges smirked and laughed. but looks who’s promoting their shit to my thousands of followers lmao!!!!!
3 January 2017 ♥ 154384
14 December 2016 ♥ 173970So today at church we had a talent show and one of the kids did the talent of telling jokes and he set up a joke “what do you call a duck with fangs” and one of the little kids shouted “A FUCK!” and I almost died.
What DO you call a duck with fangs?
Count Quackula
7 November 2016 ♥ 3955so my fucking strapon has gone missing from the bathroom drawer.
this wouldn’t be an issue normally but i’m pretty sure my mom took it. why you may ask? well i asked her to put my contact lenses in the top drawer of the bathroom counter the other day as she asked me where i wanted them. lo and behold they were in the dildo drawer, and there was no dildo to be seen.
it was a seventy dollar dildo and harness. why did i buy it? because my sex life is rich and diverse, that’s why.
i called down to my mom and she came up and im like “i had…….a thing in the drawer. its gone. it was. blue and had….black straps”
“what?”
“a…it was a toy.”
“……what??? a what toy what kind of toy”
“A SEX TOY MOM. did you see it at all”
cue The Most Scandalized face, like 1950s housewife discovers her maid is pregnant face. “A WHAT TOY???? SEX???? WHAT DO YOU WANT THAT FOR TO USE”
“mom oh my god it’s noT FOR ME”
her brain’s fucking overloading. this is a woman who had four children and refuses to believe or engage in anything but the most vanilla PIV with all the lights off. “what do you have a thing in the house like that for???”
“mom nobody knew it was here but me. just have you seen it? thats all i want to know”
“no!!! i have never seen a filthy thing like that in my house!! you want me to ask your BROTHERS or your FATHER???” as if my three adult brothers are naught but wee innocent babes, when i have it in full confidence at least one of them has in fact touched a boob
“no oh my god. i looked everywhere and idk who took it” im like inching backward into my bedroom now.
she follows me in and shuts the door and hisses “WHAT DO YOU EVEN USE THAT FOR???? STRAPS??? WHY DOES IT HAVE STRAPS???”
“can we please just not have a sex talk while I’m trying to find out where my personal property went”
“DO YOU USE THAT ON MIKE?????????”
hint. no i dont. not yet anyway. “MOM. MY SEX LIFE IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS”
she gives me this White Mom Horror look with her face looking like a cats scrunched up asshole and I finally just go “the male g spot is in the butt”
“wh–what????”
“THE MALE. G-SPOT. IS IN THE BOOTYHOLE. MOTHER.”
she stands in my floor and rolls her eyes up and goes “oh my god.” hard d. my mother NEVER SWEARS. and then she starts getting all emotional and horrified and teary eyed and flounces off downstairs
anyway i asked my brother and he helped me look under my othe two brother’s beds, so at this point in Nancy Drew and the Disappearing Dildo, the only possibilities are 1) my mother took the strap on and is hiding it in her closet so she can wave her bible over it and pray or 2) a male in my family got curious.
either way i want it returned and washed in hot soapy water asap. please and thank you
Y’ALL PRAISE HEAVEN ABOVE THERE’S A CONCLUSION
so i never found my original strapon HOWEVER!! a very kind tumblr follower sent me, and i shit you not, a massive box of sex toys. like i don’t even know what half this shit does but i love it. what the fuck are these little metal balls??? who knows
now the fun part will be trying to throw away the packaging in a discreet fashion because there is no way my mom could possibly look at the plastic dick shaped shell that once housed a seven inch purple jelly dildo and go “hmm wonder what that was” its a penis. in case you didn’t know.
also it doesn’t help that the other package has “MALE PROSTRATE MASSAGER” across it in bright pink ass letters along with a fucking diagram of how to put it in a butt, so that will be an adventure
oh my god. this story will never end, but there’s a second fucking conclusion
my mother went THROUGH MY GARBAGE, and found the packing slip from the sex toy box, and proceeded to very concernedly come into my room and sit down and ask me if “everything was working ok” with my boyfriend
i tried to explain that 1) going through someone’s garbage is WRONG and anything you find therein should be none of your business and 2) sex toys, to my 58 year old mother
she then tried to tell me that if i put anything at all into my boyfriends butt, his rectum would become forever useless and he would be incontinent and that “proctologists agree” that putting things into butts turns men gay.
oh, and if i shave my vagina, and then have a daughter, my husband will be confused sexually and be attracted to HIS OWN DAUGHTER. because obviously, males are idiots, and stand there like “whoa SHE has no pubic hair….but so does that kid…which one do i fuck again idk now this is too confusing”
she then informed me that there is one right way to have an orgasm and that’s “with your husband” to which i told her there is no right way to have an orgasm and boy must she be miserable
then i had to SHOW HER THE DAMN SEX TOYS and she was borderline going to force me to return them and “get your money back” and then i had to explain it was a gift and that was ANOTHER can of worms to go through
conclusion: original strap on is still missing. i now have many toys and at my mother’s insistence they have been stashed in a box under the bed that she helped me find in the attic. smh